She Lied to Herself for so Long
by IfEverythingElseTurnsToDirt
Summary: She said she was sorry for breaking his heart and that she had never mean to, she didn't understand why she had allowed Finn to kiss her and why she had kissed him back, it hurt her even more that he had seen, but it was nothing compared to the way she


Earlier in the year she had told herself that men, nay, boys would never be a distraction on her attempt to reach stardom. She had told herself that she needed time to herself, that her mind would clear up and so would her priorities.

From the beginning, Rachel Berry, wanted to become a star, it had been her dream since she was a little girl. Her love of musicals and her amazing voice only led her to believe that she would in fact make it to the big leagues. She wanted to be a role model to all the little girls out there just as Barbra had been to her. It was not until she had began the long and torturous life of high school at McKinley that she noticed, that maybe, just maybe boys weren't so bad. She developed a crush on the Golden Boy at McKinley High, Finn Hudson, the quarterback of their mediocre football team. She became infatuated, obsessed to say the least and she had fallen in love with him. The downfall to her crush was that he had a girlfriend and it wasn't just any girl. He was dating Quinn Fabray, the lead cheerleader, the head of the unholy trinity. Any girl would die to look like Quinn, to have everything that Quinn had. Rachel, only longed for one thing that Fabray had and that was Finn. She somehow managed to have the good fortune of Finn joining Glee Club, he was a good singer and a good leader, something that the club had never had. She was pleased that they would begin to perform duets together and wanted any chance to demonstrate to him that maybe, Quinn was not what he needed.

Finn had been a little troubled by the entrance of Rachel Berry in to his life because, she was attractive and very talented. He knew that he loved Quinn and he would never risk his relationship with her for something he could have with Rachel. The nagging feeling that Rachel might be the one he should be with always evaded his minded and it created Glee Club rehearsals even harder to endure than they usually were. Rachel could never have been happier, Finn seemed to want to spend more and more time with her than he had in the beginning and she had that sliver of hope that Finn truly would choose her over Quinn.

Her hopes all came crashing down the moment that the Unholy Trinity, made up of Quinn, Santana, and Brittany were accepted into Glee Club. Finn seemed to distance himself from Rachel more and more , the sight of Finn and Quinn managing to break Rachel's heart also, made her more determined to get Finn. The glares that Quinn sent her way scared her, but they would never make her take her eyes off the prize. She was aware that Quinn could ruin her life, but pushed it to the back of her mind every time. Finn and her had share done moment of bliss together and it was that, that made her realize her truly did seem to care for her, but suddenly Quinn was with child and it appeared to be Finns. She endured long months of watching Quinn's pregnancy develop and it hurt to know that now, Finn could never truly be hers. She came to find that the baby indeed was not Finn's, it was Noah's and it gave her hope once more. She felt terrible having revealed that Finn was not the father of Quinn's child, but it also gave free way for her to get Finn. They dated, but only for so long. Finn chose Santana and Brittany as her replacement and it made Rachel, feel pathetic. She contained her tears as she told him that no one would ever truly know the side of Finn that no one else knew. The Finn she had fallen in love was the one that was leaving her side for girls that were exactly or even worse than Quinn Fabray.

She had gone to the music store after the club meeting and that was where she had met Jesse St. James, at the time he had been the lead of Vocal Adrenaline. He was well on his way to earning a fourth consecutive nation championship and he was a very talented, suave, and intelligent boy. He was everything that Rachel could have wanted. There was no one else that could create such joy in Rachel that she could forget about Finn, but Jesse was jut that person. He wanted what she wanted, he understood her dreams, and he never shut her out or ridiculed her. She had once visited Jesse at Carmel and seen the way that he acted around his Vocal Adrenaline friends and it was fantastic, Jesse treated the way he always did in front of his friends and never seemed ashamed of her, not once. She fell in love with Jesse somewhere along the way and it was a feeling that she had never had with Finn.

FInn, from what Jesse had heard of the boy, he wasn't pleasant. When he had transferred to McKinley for the purpose of being closer to Rachel and unfortunately having to follow Shelby's orders, he had met the infamous Finn. He had immediately loathed the boy because, of his childish accusations of him being a spy. It almost made him chuckle, Vocal Adrenaline didn't need help, let alone go as low as spying. The moment that he had heard Finn Hudson attempt to sing a rendition of whatever song he was slaughtering very slowly and painfully, he had wanted to cover his ears and runaway, literally. It was the most horrid thing he had ever heard and he had had the displeasure of hearing his friends current girlfriend, Sugar Motta, sing. He had told Rachel about his thoughts, but she was very touchy about the subject and it bothered him so much.

In the end, he had broken Rachel's heart and though Finn had been there to pick up the pieces of her shattered heart, she never truly did heal completely. Kurt, had been the only one to notice that Rachel was not herself and as a friend, he had talked to her. She told him that she did love Finn, but the shadow of Jesse would always remain. He would always eclipse FInn in every way, through talent, compassion, he had been her best friend as well as her first true love. It shocked Kurt, he has always thought that Rachel loved Finn as one would always love their first love. He had told her that if she cared for Jesse the way she did maybe she should break up with Finn.

She has been frightened by the prospect of not having Finn, but then she had found out that he had slept with Santana and never told her. Her actions were spiteful and it led Finn, back to where it had all began, the arms of Quinn. she had hurt, but never as deeply as with Jesse, but that was the moment that she swore off men, at least for a while until, Jesse sung his way back into her life. She felt whole the moment that their voices melded in perfect harmony, as they always had. It had all been a fantastic time and then Prom occurred and it left everyone more confused than before. Rachel, who had believed that Finn did not care anymore suddenly became jealous and completely ruined her night. She had then chosen not to speak to either Jesse nor Finn. Then, they had gone to New York and FInn had somehow shown her the reason why she had fallen in love with him and it was almost the same as it had been before. It wasn't until he had kissed her on stage at Nationals and the moment she saw Jesse her heart tore. She felt guilt, sorrow, and a pain so strong. She had not understood the pain until, she noticed that she had betrayed herself.

She lied to herself saying that she could go back to loving Finn, but Jesse never came back to Lima. She settled and it hurt because, she knew deep down that Finn was keeping her away from all she still wanted. So, one day she left, the odds of finding Jesse in a city like new York were slim, but she knew that she would. She had spent three days there during her Winter Break an still no sign of him. It was not until her second week there that they had bumped into each other. It was not premeditated nor, was it expected.

It was the Starbucks on the corner of 42nd where Jesse and Rachel had finally, found their way back to each other. It was there that they both sat down, coffee in hand and spoke about everything and anything. He told her how he had felt sitting there watching them declare their love without saying one word, how his heart had already been tearing at the seems since the moment that they kicked him out of Prom and that Nationals was enough to break him completely. He had stayed in New York, hoping to find work as an actor and he had, it was mostly off-Broadway stuff, but he couldn't complain that and waiting tables payed the bills. He had begun taking a few classes at Hunter College and was well on his way at catching up on credits, he had almost all A's last semester. He told her that while living without her, hurt more than he could imagine, making her unhappy and forcing her to be in a relationship with him where she wouldn't be happy would be even worse.

She told him that life was good and that Finn was mostly the major problem. She said that she was slightly disappointed that he never went back to fight for her, but that she understood he had given all he had to give her. She said she was sorry for breaking his heart and that she had never mean to, she didn't understand why she had allowed Finn to kiss her and why she had kissed him back, it hurt her even more that he had seen, but it was nothing compared to the way she felt about lying to herself. She had never truly loved Finn and that it was always him, it would always be Jesse.

She had wanted to say a few more words, but was cut off by the feeling of his lips on hers and it was utterly and completely perfect.


End file.
